Hitting back

My first realization that we are misusing the concept of boundaries came from a participant in one of the pioneer programs that use horses to teach personal boundaries. A program that holds horses in the highest esteem as sentient beings. - That and "catching myself in the act" of performing this 'misuse'.
The story goes like this:
The "wounded -vulnerable" participant is put in the round pen with a horse. The participant goes to the horse and is 'instructed' to "know" their personal space/boundaries and if and when the horse violates their boundary (which they always will) they are "instructed" to send the horse back - out of their personal space. This is considered practicing/experiencing authority, empowerment, and moves the human up in the "pecking order" to be the more alpha and thus the leader.
Unfortunately this insanity was not immediately apparent to me. Once it was - I found it even harder to point it out to others.
I tried: "It's like spanking (hitting) your child for hitting his brother"
That didn't work. So I tried:
"two wrongs don't make a right"
That didn't work.
Soooo I devised my own "round pen" experience.
The wounded/vulnerable participant goes into the space with the instructions to move their own personal "boundaries " around and feel their own "responsiveness". The goal is to keep their boundaries OUT of the horses' boundaries and SEE the differences. Prevent "violation" by moving themselves "back" - out of the horses' space.
This is true empowerment. Responsibility. Person power. "You did it!" OWNERSHIP of our own boundaries!
Building strong personal boundaries has nothing to do with controlling or manipulating anothers boundaries.
This simple simple exercise has since EXPLODED into how I see parenting, health care, relationships ........... EVERYTHING!!!!!

DO NOT TOUCH

I used to be a riding instructor. Well, I used to make a career of it. Now I only teach neighbors and friends.
I began teaching "do not touch" out of frustration in trying to teach people how to ride. I was making NO progress with "It is up to you to 'stay on top'" and "No pulling!" I realized we have an incredibly WRONG concept about ......... riding. We steer them like a car or a bicycle. We use our heels and whips like a gas pedal and a bit in the mouth like a brake. We make request like "I need a bomb proof horse" "Teach him to put his head down" "The horse threw me"
Over time, I watched  the horses  respond accordingly. They became very adept at "catching our balance" by counterbalancing us. They became "bomb proof" with apathy. And, if you were already into anthropomorphic perception - it was easy to see that the horse deliberately threw you.
Finally, I observed the same behavior in children. Our horses had become like our children. We have imprinted them. As our parents and society have imprinted us.
Our boundaries have no integrity. They are broken.
One perspective of this is - we are wounded because "bad stuff" came in and violated us! I see it a different way. Our boundaries are broken and we have "spilled" all over the place. We take in stuff that is not ours and we release stuff we need to own. We are careless and sloppy.
When I say "Don't touch" - I am asking you to 'take care of your own'. When you 'take care of your own' then you KNOW your own. So simple! You only need endurance - to go the distance - the consistency that builds TRUST!
The good news is (the really GOOD news) the horses will "recognize" this as INTEGRITY and will  give you RESPECT! Respect and authority that comes from ......... KNOWING! For some horses this recognition is very very fast! [as seen in some of KFH videos]

Now for the not so good news. Most of the horse population out there has been imprinted as deeply as we have and this "recognition" is hard to get to. When both the horse and the human have sloppy boundaries it takes a little more time to clean up the mess. At this time - don't let them touch you either. Do not CORRECT them touching you - just stay out of reach. If you are aware of your energy field and know you can control it - watch how your energy field will inadvertently "ask" them to touch you. :)

Domestication

On another site there is the discussion about "asking, teaching, and training vs communication. Directly leading into the pros and cons of "pressure" when we ask, teach, or train.
I very much appreciate the "resistance" I get from my "statements". It helps me clarify my integrity and it leads me to ..... better communication. Especially when the "gap is vast".
Is there such a thing as communication without asking, teaching, and training? In the human world it is very rare. Without our "domestication" (root word - dominate) the horses live there quite comfortably. As do most undomesticated animals.
My "Do not touch" model simulates that place - if just for a moment. It works best for the "care giver" types because it is most difficult for them. Yet they have the greatest opportunity to "cross that gap". IF(!) and when they will 'play by the rules' long enough for the rules to no longer be necessary.
Can you REFLECT (see, honor, empathize, etc.) and not CORRECT. Can you play with your child and NOT turn it into a "teaching moment"? Can you respond to your horse and NOT turn it into a "training moment"? - or a statement about who is dominate.  Can you see another being and not try to "improve" on it? Can you  communicate with your spouse without "asking for" a specific response? Can you receive and not give? Can you see and not project?
Why should/would you want to?
Because that IS the language of the horse. If we are drawn to them at all it means they "have something we want". That "something" is the ability to see without projection. Without judgement. Freedom from "getting it right". Pure unadulterated Truth. Authenticity. Choose your own buzz word.
It is simply not helpful to change what we find most valuable in the horse. Killing the goose that laid the golden egg?????
Why should/would you want to? How can I possibly describe with words  - what happens to US when this shift happens!!!!!! The strength we gain! The empowerment! I am speechless .........
We give the horse credit for this ..... gift and yet it is our own "communication without asking, teaching, and training"  that makes the difference. On the outside - the difference is getting what you 'want' without ...... pressure. Without "training" or "teaching" what the response should/must be. You WILL get to where you want to be - because, after all, the horse is a horse.

boundaries - self responsibility

My lessons always (:) ) begin with boundaries and self responsibility. Divvy up the responsibilities. Dealing the cards. What is mine (the rider) and what is the horse's ability to respond/responsibility. Then the ONLY thing we have to do is BE responSIVE!  Easy!

             Rules are made for stupid people ......  therefore are only needed as long as we are stupid.

 
 Keep your (own!) balance
 Be RESPONSIVE.
 Always do your best

temporary rules for 'on the ground':
1. Keep your (own!) body parts out from UNDER the horse's
2. Keep your (own!) body parts out of the horse's mouth
3. Own your right to do 1. and 2.

rules 1, 2, and 3 establish 'credibility' and therefore authority (KNOWledge and ability) by demonstrating that you KNOW where the cards are. Responsibility lies. You KNOW who you are and you have the ability and integrity to be responsive.

Exercises to practice rules 1, 2, and 3:

1. Distance - Practice NOT touching! Learn to play your own hand and not mess with the horse's cards. 
     a) that means NOT pushing the horse or even the horse's head away when they are too close

     b) no pushing or pulling to put the horse or the horse's body part where you want it.
2. Reflective seeing - practice seeing the horse in "body language".
     a) walk completely around your horse as if you are drawing their silhouette in the ground. Tracing OUTSIDE the lines. Perfect your sensitivity by being closer and closer without touching. Keeping it dynamic/kinetic by being aware of the swinging/sweeping head and neck.
    b) walk behind your horse and match exactly their orientation.  Your sternum to the horse's forehead. (remember you are vertical and the horse is horizontal - you don't have a sweeping head and neck!) Do not ask/wish/direct or expect anything! Simply mirror. Of course this implies the horse IS walking! If they are just standing ...... be patient! At this point DO NOT move them! Important - for this trust "proving ground". Absolutely critical to get to the authority stage. (remember authority = KNOWledge)
Can we - are we able - to truly SEE without projection!?! Can we be REsponsive? The inquiring horse want to know!

In these lessons ....... remember who the student is. If there is no response - there is no vision. No relationship. No conversation. No insight. Dead.

what horses reveal